Thursday, October 4, 2007

Thanks for the memories...

So, today is a little party all about your worst OBGYN stories, being hosted by:

Brillig, over at Twas Brillig and Amy from The Butrfly Garden. The whole point being that we share our most horrific stories about the people who we need, but don't always get along with. Go over to their sites, and you can sign up if you wish to participate today. I'm a little late to the party, but I usually am.

Thankfully, I don't have too many horror stories about OBGYNs, but there is one guy who sticks out in my mind.

It was late in my last pregnancy, I was close to bursting, when I began to have a little spotting, and what I thought were contractions.

So, off to the hospital we go for a quick check. My OBGYN, a lovely lady, said to just let the doctor on call do the check-up, and if I needed her, she was only a phone call away.

The doctor on call that day looked like he was about a decade past retirement. Nice enough guy, southern drawl, white hair, but stooped over and shuffling. It never occurred to me at the time the stooping might be from bending over to peer inside various female cavities over the hundred years or so he seemed to be practicing.

There was very little fanfare...

"Okay girl, off with your pants!"
"Um, do I at least get one of those paper towels?"


"Do I at least get something to cover me up?"

"Why would you need that? It's not like I haven't seen the female anatomy before!"

He shouted. A lot. Mostly because he couldn't hear himself, I'm pretty sure. So, I hopped up on the table and the nurse gave me a weak smile, as if she really didn't want to be there, and handed me the giant paper towel to drape over my legs.

"Alright, now, young lady, I've been keeping this speculum in the freezer, just for you!" He let out a wheezy laugh. Apparently, I was supposed to find the idea of a frozen speculum amusing. Then I got a glimpse of it, and it was huge.

Girls, here is something I've learned. Speculums, like men, actually come in different sizes. So, if the one being inserted in you is uncomfortable to the point of shouting "Get that thing out of me!", you do have options. And you should ask.

At the time, though, I didn't have this handy piece of information. And I was not happy. Ray looked concerned at the contortions my face was going through.

"Um, is it supposed to hurt her this much?"

"Hurt? Why no, son, she's just uncomfortable! It's a woman thing. I don't think you'd understand."

It took forever, and I was starting to wonder if he was mining for precious metals underneath the sheet of paper.

And then I heard it.

It was faint at first, and I looked over at Ray to see if he heard it too. I was met with a look of puzzlement.

It was humming. I could hear humming. And it was the Bob Hope classic "Thanks for the Memories". It got louder, and louder, until finally Doctor Geriatric emerged from under the sheet in full blown song.

"Thaaaaaaanks for the memories!"

I knew then I'd have a memory to last forever.


Butrfly Garden said...

Oh, my! This is the funniest post I've read yet! He sounds like a :)

I did not know that about the speculums, but I will DEFINITELY keep that in mind!!

Thanks for joining in!!

bellevelma said...

OMG! That is horrifying and hilarious at the same time. said...

So, do you think he'll remember you??

Too funny! Thankfully he wasn't your regular doc.

Brillig said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh, mygosh. That is so hilarious, so awful. And I love that he tells Ray, "it's a woman thing, you wouldn't understand." Uh... like HE does? Hahaha. THis is an awesome post. I'm so glad you played along! And you aren't late to the party by any means! Actually, I'm hoping we're still quite early in the party... :-D

Dumdad said...


The Rotten Correspondent said...

Jeez Jen, you do attract the singing weirdos, don't you?

exskindiver said...

a humming gynecologist.
not good at all.
very funny.

exskindiver said...

it is nice that you get along with your in-laws that you would toy with the idea of moving closer (job permitting)

does the husband do the laundry on the mondays and wednesdays that you don't have to?

Saphyre Rose said...

As long as you were absolutely sure it was him humming and not the speculum!

My worse OB/GYN story...I am in the beginnings of what was referred as the "real" contractions, What the hell were the last 4 hours then, were they imaginary?

My doctor decided to go out on his vacation and there was a replacement, my doctor had 4 ladies all due later in the month so he decided they were OK enough to go fly fishing.
ALL 4 of us went into labor within hours of each other!

The replacement doc was running between the delivery room, the 2 labor rooms and a few of his own ladies who decided to give birth!

So, the doc comes in and I get a huge contraction, one of those ones where you want your husband's testicles in your hands..just for a second, and my eyes cross and my doctor announces,
"It bet it felt a lot better going in than coming out didn't it!"

I shouted how was I to know I was asleep at the time or words to that effect.

My mother who was there with me, nearly fainted and my husband turned 4 shades of red.

I could then hear the replacement doctor retelling what I said to nurses down the hall!

So that is the story of my babies, did I mention it was twins I was delivering, entry into this world.

Willowtree said...

Ah yeah, thanks for that.

Jen said...

butrfly garden He was a character, I'm just not sure what kind. Thank you for stopping by! it was fun!

bellevelma Yes, I can laugh about it now, with only mild wincing. Just mild.

nola I'd be surprised if he could've remembered his breakfast that morning, honestly!

Brillig Thanks for the compliment, and thanks for letting me participate. It was fun, we'll have to do something like this again.

dumdad I'll keep the "crikey" on hand for next next time. *grin* I wish I'd thought to say that.

RC I still havent told you about the singing telegram my former co-host sprung on me one morning...

exskindiver Thanks for stopping by. I should be thankful he was just humming, and not trying to spin wool or hook a rug or something. And yes, my husband is great with the chores on my days off. He actually lets me have days off!

Saphyre I think the delivery room is fair game for a woman in labour to say anything she damn well pleases. And I loved your story.

willowtree You have only yourself to blame for reading this post. The picture of the woman screaming in stirrups and the word OBGYN at the very beginning should have tipped you off. I have no sympathy for you, dear.

Cripes, I should have just written another damn post.

laurie said...

how about the time i went to get a mammogram and the tech looked at me critically and said, "wow. this one is a lot smaller than that one."

arm jerker j. said...

AHHHHHHHHHH! I love that old man. Is he still alive? You described it all so well that I felt like I was right in your va-jay-jay, enjoying a little song.

Jo Beaufoix said...

Oh my lord Jen that was hilarious. i can hardly type for giggling.
Miss E has just asked, 'What's funny?'
How can I explain?

Hee hee.

If he does a breast exam does he sing 'Thanks for the mammaries?'

Too too funny. :D

Mom said...

It could have been worse, you know. He might have been an amateur wouldn't that be scary??

JRH said...

Hilarious story! Unfortunately, I have no OBGYN stories to share, but I do have an interesting tibit about that Bob Hope clip you posted. The lady in the clip is Shirley Ross (AKA Bernice Gaunt)and happens to have been my mother's cousin. I love that clip, by the way. It's from The Big Broadcast of 1937 - not much of a movie except for this particularly touching scene between these nice formerly married folks. Thanks for the memories, my friend!