Friday, November 2, 2007

Friday Five


For some reason, I'm grumpy this morning, which is probably why this is late. I don't know if I didn't get enough sleep, enough food, or enough whatever. Maybe I've had too much whatever. Either way, it's a snarky post. Snarkalicious, even.


Deal with it.


Five Halloween Treats I Hope We Don't See Next Year



1. Taffy

You know the ones I'm talking about. They're rock hard and taste vaguely of peanut butter, and are always wrapped in black or orange waxed paper. They're hideous, and I've yet to meet a child or an adult who likes them. I don't even see them in the stores anymore, so where the hell are you people getting them? I have a suspicion that they're a little like the fruitcake of Halloween. Someone out there hoards these hideous taffys for years, and then just passes them on to other unsuspecting trick or treaters.


2. Petrified Raisins

I know you're trying to protect my children's health and my children's teeth by giving them a "healthy" snack. However, when the raisins are rock hard, and taste like the little box they come in, you aren't helping anyone. If my child breaks a tooth on one, I may have to come back to your house to help cover the dental costs.


3. McDonald's Gift Certificates

Most of these are worth about what, a buck? Which means I have to take my child to Mickey D's and shell out money in order for her to use this. Seriously, why did you spend money on the coupon book? Would you like someone to toss some Chicken McNuggets in your treat bag?


4. Religious Tracts

Some guy tried to make my kid promise to read his tract or he wouldn't give her candy. I'm cool if you don't like Halloween. I'm cool with your right to practice your religion. But don't gussy up your house for Halloween, and then hand out tracts to kids telling them they're all going to hell because they're out trick or treating. It's false advertising. How would you like it if a group of Hindus put up a bunch of signs advertising a tent revival and started giving your kids tracts trying to convert them to worship Shiva? Honestly, just give it up already.


5. Pennies

I know you grannies mean well, but pennies don't do much for kids anymore. TFYO is still excited about any form of money, but only because she likes to count it and add it, not spend it. Not yet, anyway. But I know those older kids are thinking, "Swell, Grandma. What the hell am I supposed to buy with this?" Well, the answer is, "Nothing, kid." Not a thing. Unless you want to save them all up for the next ten years. Then you might be able to afford a gumball.


Okay, that's it in all it's snarky, grumpy glory. I'm going to give in and get myself a cup of coffee now before I do harm to someone. Have a good weekend. No really, I mean that.

13 comments:

www.thegrandview.wordpress.com said...

Go back to bed. ;-)

laurie said...

i'm totally with you on that peanut butter taffy. i used to get that in my halloween bag, too, and that was, what, 35 years ago?

we always threw it away, immediately.

and i have never seen in it a store, either.

captain corky said...

You mean you don't want your kid to be converted into a Jehovah's Witness? What's wrong with parents today... ;)

The Rotten Correspondent said...

Wow. I like you even better when you're snarky. And I like you just fine to start with. Better than fine even.

Except...(may the saints save me) I like that nasty peanut butter taffy. I really do. You could put peanut butter on dung and I'd probably have at least one lick.

Do you all need my address to send me your discards??

Mya said...

I like you snarky (I like that word - is that Canadian?)too! Obviously, I like you when you aren't snarky too (Just in case you feel like biting my head off!)
I echo previous comment - go back to bed! And have a great weekend, y'all.

Mya x

auntie barbie said...

My, my, did TFYO and the hubby run screaming from the house this morning? If not I hope there are survivors.
Get some rest and have a lovely weekend.

PixelPi said...

Hated the taffy. Hated gift certificates to any fast foot restaurant. Religious tracts and Halloween decorations? What planet was he from? And was he the one with the taffy?

Yes, go back to bed and sleep away your snarkiness, although it's great to be snarky. And yes, it's a real word. I've used it forever. And been described as snarky many times. Maybe I need a nap.

Diana said...

That's The List, exactly. I have nothing to add except my hearty "Bravo!" I'm thrilled to say that I don't think we encountered any of them this year. I do remember getting several of them as a kid each year, though, including those minibibles.

mjd said...

I think that those peanut butter things used to called peanut butter kisses. Those used to be the favorite candy along with Dum-Dum suckers to hand out. Children have never enjoyed either one. You are so right about the religious tracts. If you are opposed to Halloween, let the rest of us alone especially our kids.

I hope that your weekend is pleasant and restful.

my two cents said...

Well, since I hate Halloween, I think I get the snarky crown. I really don't like H., but I do participate anyway. I give out candy, lots and lots of candy (250 pieces in 45 minutes, one per customer). We decorate the house with a string of pumpkin lights, and glow in the dark skeletons and hanging spiders, and the whole nine yards. I give candy to who ever shows up demanding it, this year that included a pregnant woman! Not a teenager, but a grown woman. I just figure I'm not passing out judgement, just candy. So, here is the ONE thing I don't want to get next year: egged. After we passed 250 pieces of candy out to no one I recognized, we turned out the lights, and when I went to leave yesterday morning, there was egg on my house, front door, and worst of all, my brand new porch. I hate Halloween, but I am most definitely the snarky queen!

Jen said...

my two cents Aw, jeez, they egged your house? That's awful! You have every right to be snarky. I say, next year, go out to dinner with your husband, and leave the lights off at your house. If I have moms come around with little ones, I always give them candy, but that's just me. I hate older teens who come around and don't even bother wearing costumes. You get the Snark Crown.

mjdWell, I do have to work all weekend, but that will soon be ending, in a way. I'll write a post about it soon. My daughter loves the Dum-Dum suckers. Which is good, more chocolate for me!

diana I hope your Halloween next year is equally "uneventful". ;-)

pixelpi We've used the term "snarky" in my family for a long time. I think it might be a northern thing. Of course, we also used the term "dog snark" to refer to the trail of slime left by dog noses on windows. Two totally different things.

auntie barbie Well, let's see: Ray left at 3:30 in the morning, waking me up and TFYO was at school at 8 a.m. after pitching a holy fit about having to go. So, maybe the snark was not directed at them, but came from them? Hmmmm. Maybe?

Mya Aw, I like you, too. But I think I may try to work more snarkiness in, since it seems to be such a hit around here. LOL Feel free to use "snarky" in regular conversation. I get grief for it down here. I also get grief for using the word "wonky".

RC I love you, but you disgust me. Oh, how could you? They don't even really taste like PB. *shudder* Oh, and I like you too. If I didn't, you'd be dead to me with that confession.

CC These weren't the Witnesses. Just Evangelicals. I won't repeat the name of their church here. I'm sure they think there's something wrong with me, I'm surprised they didn't call Children's Services on all us heathen parents indoctrinating our kids in the Devil's Ways.

laurie I think I got some of the 35 year old taffy. It's the only explanation.

grand view Have you ever tried to go back to bed in the middle of the day, even when you're tired? Sorry, champ, doesn't work. Someone always phones, the cats want attention, and the fact that they're building a new house two doors down from me doesn't help either.

But I'm feeling MUCH better now!

bellevelma said...

the fruit cake of halloween! LOL!

someone gave my son a FULL SIZE REECES CUP - TWO PB cups in there my friend!

He can't eat it but I did a little dance when I saw it because it means there are still people out there who believe in the spirit of Halloween and who can afford to hand out the full size bars. And plus even if my son can't eat it, I can. In fact, maybe I will go do that right now...

Jo Beaufoix said...

Jen I love that least, and snarky you is so funny.
We say narky over here which is equally fab I think.

You putter, we potter, you snark, we nark.

Fabulous.

Now get some rest and go post the nasty sweets through tract man's door - the cheeky git. Or post him the vouchers, RC really wants those Taffy things. And sneak a little peanut butter dung in there, just to see...